for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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