Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
