He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
