but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
