dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
