i already hear my dad disowning me
Only a mothe r could love this liver
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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