Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
