dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
