Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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