she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
