Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
