high people should be assigned attendants
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Randomize
