dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
