woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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