I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize