I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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