I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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