I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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