Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
