so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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