1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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