I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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