i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
we're making bets on your personal life
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
