I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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