The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
