fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize