What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
