Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
