I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
