i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
