oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
