I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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