I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
