ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
