woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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