I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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