You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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