I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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