So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i think my cat just said my name.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
