this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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