i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Randomize
