Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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