A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
