my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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