Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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