people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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