Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
