Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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