Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
