people are starting to question the shark bite story
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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