Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
