My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
