yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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