My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize