I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ladies don't puke and tell
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
