If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
