i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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