Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
